3 Steps to Replace Counting to 3 When Your Child Won’t Listen
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We have all heard it a million times. In fact, most parents probably live it several times a day…
A kid starts to act up, and the parent begins to count: “One… Two…”
And then all eyes are on the child to see if they will actually obey their parent before the dreaded “three” is uttered, assuming of course this isn’t the especially generous parent who allows for the two-and-a-half warning, all while drastically slowing their count to allow for ample time.
This form of discipline seems to be universal, and I feel like I’ve heard practically every parent I have ever known utter these little warnings on at least one occasion.
I therefore realize that I may be the weird one here, but I have NEVER counted to three with my kids, and I never will.
Now, I am certainly not criticizing those who use this method, and I’m not saying it is WRONG to “count to three,” but there are reasons why it is just not for me.
I have also been asked many times how I get my kids to obey so well, and I think it is important to point out that I have not accomplished this by counting to three.
At the forefront, I just feel like counting to three teaches kids that one and two simply don’t matter, that your words mean nothing – at least for now.
It teaches them that they can basically continue in their bad behavior, ignore you completely, until you get serious enough to say three.
Another big issue for me is that counting to three just seems like a way to put off having to actually discipline your child, with many parents never even officially going as high as three because they don’t really want to step in and deal with the behavior.
It just basically delays there being a consequence and allows the child to go on with the behavior until the parent finally snaps.
And of course, many parents use the warning of the count before actually beginning the count itself – “Don’t make me count to three!”
If I were the child, I would be hearing, “Keep doing what you’re doing because I haven’t even started counting yet, so you still have time.”
Counting to three is almost never done quickly where discipline is to be immediately expected. It is often a method of slowly counting… drawing out the numbers… adding half numbers… whatever it takes to not actually have to discipline, hoping the behavior just magically stops somewhere in all that procrastinating.
Other times it seems that getting to three means the parent has a brief chat with the child, only to have the behavior immediately resume minutes later, and the cycle just continues.
The root of my issue with counting is that I want my kids to take me seriously the first time I tell them something. I do not want to condition them to wait for me to start counting high enough that they decide it may be time to finally listen.
Who is the parent? Who is in charge? Your word should be law. Your WORD – any instruction, any time, no numbers needed – not your bargaining, reasoning, and delayed hope that your child will obey.
I am definitely not saying that children should never receive warnings before facing punishment. I just don’t believe that spouting off meaningless numbers that the child will just ignore, waiting for the parent to get mad enough to finally act, is going to achieve the best end result.
Also, counting to three establishes an understanding that nothing will EVER happen before three. I guess I just like for there to be a little more mystery in my warnings.
If I utter a warning to my child, I don’t want them to automatically know that they have at least one more warning coming before punishment is even a possibility. I want them to have the fear that perhaps that was the only warning they are going to get, so they’d better stop the behavior.
I do often warn my kids about a behavior before actually issuing a consequence; however, my kids know that they don’t get many warnings (usually only one) before I will act.
So how do you keep it simple and eliminate the counting?
1. Give a FINAL warning.
There are times when my kids are misbehaving, even though I have casually asked them to knock it off, but it reaches the point where I know I must intervene, so I give one FINAL warning.
This alerts the child to the fact that you mean business.
Let them know that they have been warned, and make it clear that there will be no more warnings before punishment takes place. They will begin to believe you if you consistently follow the next 2 steps.
2. Establish a CLEAR consequence.
I also make sure that I establish exactly what they can expect to happen – none of this “stop doing that or else,” or other vague threats where they will be bound to call my bluff.
I will say something like:
– This is your only warning before (insert consequence).
– If you do that one more time, then (insert consequence).
– I am not going to tell you again to stop that, or else (insert consequence).
And it is SOOO important that you do not establish a consequence you are not willing to follow through with. Do not threaten that you will take them home from a fun activity if you are not truly prepared to walk out that door the second the behavior occurs again.
Establishing unrealistic consequences will cause you to lose credibility and authority with your child because you will fail to complete the third step…
3. Follow through with the consequence EXACTLY as you said.
When my kids act out, I try to establish a SPECIFIC understanding of exactly what will happen if the bad behavior happens even one more time. Then, if they do it again, even only that one more time, I make sure to follow through with the consequence NO MATTER WHAT – no empty threats allowed!
The absolute most important thing to remember following a warning (even if the warning was to count to three) is that once the clear warnings have been used up, then there MUST be a punishment if the behavior hasn’t stopped.
Being a parent that ALWAYS follows through on what you say you will do is exactly how you make your WORD the LAW.
Begin implementing these steps, remembering to absolutely follow through on the consequence warned about, especially while establishing this new pattern, and in a short time steps 2 and 3 will be needed less and less.
Eventually, when you begin giving warnings, your child will start to listen the first time, understanding that punishment WILL follow if they don’t. There are no absolutes in every scenario of course, but your success rate will climb dramatically.
**IMPORTANT POINT: If you are following these 3 steps exactly and still not seeing the change you are hoping for, then you also may need to reassess your warnings and consequences. Some consequences just do not matter to a child. This is of course another topic entirely, but be sure to try out difference consequences or punishments until you find one that effectively gets through to your child as a behavioral deterrent.
If the punishment is to send your child to their room where they have TV, toys, and games, and they have NO problem adhering to this “punishment,” then perhaps that is not the most effective punishment, even if you are perfectly warning and following through with the “punishment.” And what consequence works for each child is likely to be different.
If you are a count-to-three parent, I guess just ask yourself if it is working for you. If you quickly and firmly count to three with a clear punishment to follow, then really your method is not much different than mine.
However, if counting to three has become a way to put off having to actually intervene in your child’s bad behavior, then I would encourage you to consider if that it really working for you. Does counting to three really yield the result you are going for?
The purpose is for obedience, which is why step 3 is more important than whether or not you count to three. Follow through on any consequences you set forth!
CONCLUSION:
If your kids learn that they can keep skating by on warnings, on number counting, then they will continue to test your limits and get away with as much as they can.
However, if you stand firm, punishing EXACTLY as you said you would, after only ONE warning, then it won’t be long before they know you mean business, and they will no longer call your bluff – because they will know you’re NOT BLUFFING.
I understand that it can be hard to stand firm in all instances, and sometimes it can feel like a punishment for you as much as the child. There are times when I have had to cut fun activities short because of bad behavior – even though I really didn’t want it to end yet, but I knew that it wasn’t worth losing the battle.
Parenting involves a constant battle of wills with your child, so you have to be ready to dig your heels in at times.
Because if you don’t win the battle, your child will – and this only means that you all lose in the long run.
~ Jennifer ~
