I am Not a Better Mother Than You Just Because I Have More Kids
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When I had my first child, I received all of the congratulatory remarks you would expect when you have a baby. People were genuinely happy for me. However, no one marveled at the fact that I had that child. No one treated me like I had accomplished something amazing.
Having one child, though wonderful, was not necessarily remarkable. It did not make me special.
Then I had a second child 17 months later. Though some seemed to be impressed that I had actually chosen to have them so close together (while others thought I was crazy), still no one seemed to marvel at the simple fact that I had two children. Again, I guess it’s just not considered to be that amazing.
And the same was true when I had my third child years later. I was congratulated, but no one seemed impressed or shocked that I now had three kids.
However, when I had my FOURTH child, that’s when everything seemed to change. Apparently, that was the magic number where I immediately turned into a superhero mom goddess who can do no wrong. That is when I apparently became very impressive, a wonder to behold by all who met me.
I cannot tell you how often people seem to just be amazed at the fact that I have four children. They treat me as though I’m this perfect mother just because I manage to survive life with four kids in tow while they may be feeling overwhelmed by their one or two.
But I am here to let you in on a little secret.
I AM NOT A BETTER MOTHER THAN YOU JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MORE KIDS.
I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate kind words from people who cheer me on. In fact, there are times where I may be struggling behind closed doors and getting this affirmation is amazing. However, I recognize that all moms – regardless of how many children they have – need to be praised for their efforts more.
Also, I want the moms who have regarded me as being so amazing to know that I am often marveling at YOU and the amazing job you’re doing, even if you’re doing it with fewer kids than I am. Because guess what? The number of children that you have has NOTHING to do with whether you are a great mom or not.
Now, I’m not writing this to try to convince everyone that I’m actually a terrible mother behind closed doors. I simply want other moms to recognize when they are also doing a kick ass job at this mom thing! I want them to stop being intimidated by others who have more kids because it’s truly irrelevant.
Actually, I do think I’m a good mother, but it isn’t because I have four kids. I think I was a pretty good mom even when I only had one, or two, or three… and I’d like to think I’d remain a good mother even if I had ten.
The point is that If you have ONE child, then you are a mother. Plain and simple. You have a mother’s heart. You know what it is to rock your sweet baby, feel as though your heart could burst from the love you feel, grieve when you see them hurting, worry about their future and their safety, be furious with them, and even sometimes wish you could just run away.
The many emotions of motherhood are there whether you are on your journey with one child or ten.
I remember how crazy life was when I had only one child. Believe me, I am fully aware of how hard that can be, so I would never diminish someone as a mother simply because they “only” have one child.
I have known plenty of mothers with one or two children whom I admire and think are doing an amazing job. Though they may not realize, I am often looking to what they do and following their lead on things I think they are just awesome at!
Having four children has not made me some sort of expert know-it-all, and it does not earn me the right to stand on the pedestal others seem to constantly place me on.
I have also known mothers who have many children who can barely take care of those children, again proving that simply having a large family is no indicator of your fitness as a mother. I have also seen mothers who have children with special needs where that one child can be far more demanding than my four combined. So again, the number is irrelevant.
When I tell people I have four kids, the reaction is always something along the lines of “Four?!?!” or “Wow!” accompanied by a look of disbelief. And people are forever telling me that they don’t know how I do it. But the simple fact is that I “do it” the same way all moms do – by doing the best I can, loving my kids, disciplining when needed, and taking it one day at a time.
I also just feel like it is human nature to rise to whatever occasion you may find yourself in. I definitely remember how crazy life was with one or two children. I’m sure at the time it may have seemed daunting to think of eventually having two more. However, by the time I actually got to having four, I naturally settled into a rhythm and a routine where this just is my life, so I no longer regard it as crazy or exhausting to have four.
And the same would be true for any of you. You may be feeling overwhelmed by your two kids, but guess what? If you had two more, or even eight more, you too would get into a groove and just do what you had to do.
I am not amazing simply for the fact that I have four kids. It just means I have established a routine that makes having four work for me.
I don’t want to be regarded as a good mother simply for the fact that I have a lot of kids. This is simple biology and God’s blessing that has allowed me to have four children. This is something I cannot exactly take credit for, and I don’t feel that I am deserving of praise for this simple fact alone.
I want to be regarded as a good mother for the KIND of mother that I am, for my character. It is important to me that other moms be able to emulate the good things they see in me – just as I will continue to emulate them.
I am a firm believer that it takes a village to raise kids. That is why I am always happy to lean on my other mom friends and take cues from them when I see them succeeding in an area where I may be struggling.
Being a mom is amazing, but being a mom can also be SO HARD at times. We need to be able to lean on each other, learn from each other, and encourage each other. We do NOT need to compare ourselves to one another, be intimidated, or keep score based on how many kids we have.
I have been blessed with four great kids. For others, it can be a great struggle to even have one. And then there are moms with more kids than me out there running circles around us all. We are all on different journeys, but we can ALL me amazing mothers to however many or few children we are blessed with.
~ Jennifer ~
