The Number One Reason I Don’t Fight with my Husband
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Though most would probably never believe this, I can honestly say that in 12 years married and 16 years together, my husband and I have never had a fight, not one. This is not to say that we have never disagreed, that we have never annoyed each other, that we have never hurt each other’s feelings.
But any time any of these things have happened, the discussion has remained calm, and thus I can’t really call them “fights.” We have never raised our voices, called each other names, or spoken to one another in anger.
Now I don’t say any of this to brag about how great we are. I understand that I could never take all credit for our peaceful existence. By nature we are both just very non-confrontational people and like to avoid drama – or the “Big D” as my husband likes to call it – at all costs.
If I were married to someone who was more combative, I’m sure there would be times where buttons would be pushed and I would allow myself to snap.
However, when I think of how and why we get along so well, if I wanted to pass along advice on how others could maybe have more peace in their marriages, the most obvious thing that comes to mind is that we don’t sweat the small stuff, and we both choose our words very wisely.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” My dad has always said that whoever came up with this saying is an idiot. We are all very aware of the way that words can cut deep, often hurting far more than physical pain. And the danger with words is that they can never be taken back once they are spoken.
Hurtful words can in a moment change hearts and relationships forever.
I have been raised to carefully weigh my words, realizing that they can cause damage, that they cannot be taken back, and I have carried this lesson into my marriage.
The biggest thing that I could easily nag my husband about all day if I allowed myself is that he is kind of a slob, and I’m a little bit of a neat freak. Naturally this has led to tension. There have been more times than I can count that I have come across some mess and been rather annoyed at its existence, and I will admit that my first thoughts are not always nice ones.
However, this is where I make the conscious effort to not rattle off these thoughts as soon as they enter in.
My thoughts can go away, they can change. He can do something so sweet in the next moment that I no longer care that I had to pick his pants up off the middle of the floor. But once words are spoken, they are there forever.
I have learned that the old adage to “think before you speak,” is of utmost importance in maintaining the peace in my marriage.
When I come across these messes, though maybe annoyed, I often just proceed to pick it up without saying anything to my husband.
Now before the head of every feminist reading this explodes, let me explain myself. I fully understand that I am not my husband’s slave. I am not required to clean up for him. However, I consider us to be partners, and I have always recognized that the cleaning is more of my contribution to this partnership.
This does not mean that my husband doesn’t help me, that he doesn’t clean. He, in fact, will do just about anything that I ask of him without complaint. However, I recognize that by nature I care so much more about things being neat and orderly than he ever will.
He and I have very different visions of what “cleaned up” looks like, and it would be unfair to him for me to expect that he always adhere to my standards of clean, when that is not something that is important to him.
Again, I’m sure the feminists out there are thinking that if I like things very clean, then of course he should live up to my standards. But let’s reverse the roles. What if he preferred that I always look perfect and have dinner on the table by 6:00 each night. Would that mean I should be expected to live up to this, when these are not things that are important to me? Of course not!
I know that my husband cleans up and does far more around the house than he would ever do if he were living alone, and he does it because he knows it makes me happy. Therefore, when there is a mess or some other annoyance, my first reaction is to give him a free pass. After all, I can often clean it myself faster than I could even go locate him to let him have it.
In my moments of annoyance or frustration, where I would like to give him a piece of my mind, I take a moment to ask myself what benefit there would be.
Is the offense really so terrible that I need to nag him about it, or could I just overlook something so small and keep my mouth shut? If I were to nag my husband over every little thing he does to annoy me, I’m sure it would be no time before he started firing back, and we would find ourselves fighting all the time.
Now, please understand, I am NOT saying that women should be a doormat. I am NOT saying that you should overlook truly wrong or hurtful things your husband may do. I am simply saying not to sweat the small stuff, to choose battles wisely, and to weigh your words carefully.
There are certainly times that I do ask my husband to stop doing something, start doing something, or do something differently. I definitely express my needs and desires, and he always takes them to heart.
The key is not to rattle off in anger at every little annoyance.
Even for those things that I do decide to address with him, I always give myself time to be sure that I am calm before having the conversation.
Another saying I love is that, “You catch more flies with honey.” If I came at my husband nagging him every time he did something I didn’t like, I highly doubt he would be very likely to want to give me what I asked for.
If I instead come to him calmly and sweetly, and ask that he please make a change, he is usually more than happy to oblige.
No person is perfect, and no marriage is perfect – never will be. However, the next time your spouse does something to make you crazy, try giving yourself a moment to assess if something truly needs to be said about that situation.
Is saying something really going to lead to a positive outcome, or will it just start a fight?
You may find more peace in either saying nothing and letting the moment pass or in allowing yourself to calm down and speak lovingly rather than in anger. Learn the power in choosing your words carefully and speaking calmly, and I guarantee your marriage will benefit.
~ Jennifer ~
