7 Key Things Your Relationship Needs

These aren’t necessarily ranked, but if they were this would probably be number 1.  People who do not fully understand the importance of self-awareness are people that may not have too much of it.  We often live in our little bubble, a world viewed and experienced from our own perspective.  At times, even the most self-aware people, well…. aren’t.  It happens.  But finding a person that knows who they are, what their strengths are, weaknesses are, and what they want out of life is so important! 

Why is it so important to a relationship?  Because to be with a healthy and happy person is going to affect so many elements of your relationship.  People who are self-aware tend to also be accountable for their actions, choices, and they are typically more outwardly focused on others rather than living inside that little bubble.  

I believe most people are good.  I am an optimist, and this is just what I believe.  But that doesn’t mean that a lot of good people don’t say and do a lot of stupid stuff simply because they just are not aware – aware of their actions and the repercussions, and aware of how they come across.  

When you are self-aware, you can learn and grow as a person.  You will become better, you will treat people better, and your relationships will be better.  I’m not a psychologist, but there is A LOT of great material out there on the importance of self-awareness and how to get more of it.  For the sake of this list, I’ll keep it short and sweet, but trust me when I tell you that if you have a partner who is severely lacking in self-awareness, their selfishness, inward view, and sometimes completely delusional perspective of how they treat and affect people, will most definitely affect you.  Click here to read more about why we believe self-awareness is so important in a relationship.

Talking about self-awareness leads directly into the next important thing to look for in a partner.  Selflessness!!!  I cannot tell you the amount of kind and well-intentioned people I have known that were completely selfishly motivated (and uncoincidentally, usually lacking self-awareness as well).  You can love a selfish person and they can love you, but you had better get used to disappointment.   

I have dated fun, passionate, hard-working guys.  We had a blast.  But “our life” was not really “ours” at all.  It was me joining into their life and their passions and their pursuits.  Sometimes their lives were fun, so this was fine for a while.  I am also the type of person that loves to make other people happy, and so I don’t always realize that I am giving up what I want to just focus on what others want.  And my being selfless is a good thing, IF I am partnered with a person who is also selfless. 

But here’s the thing… even the most selfless person in the world (definitely not saying that is me) still has their OWN hopes, dreams, and plans for their life.  So even if joining into someone else’s life can be fun for a while, eventually you will grow tired of it, resent them, and become very unfulfilled if the relationship is NEVER about you.  

It is important that BOTH people in a relationship be selfless and put their partner first.  Then you will BOTH truly get what you want.  Because one of two things always happens.  We are either getting the thing we truly want, as graciously given by our partner, or we are getting to give our partner the thing we know they want and makes them happy.  Both are winning feelings, and I assure you the more you practice selflessness in a relationship the more you will value the feeling of making your partner happy over “getting your way,” but you still will get your way sometimes because they’ll make sure of it! 

I don’t even think a lot of people truly understand what this is anymore.  It’s confused with weakness, passiveness, or shyness. It is none of those things.  If you find a partner that is truly humble, you have found yourself a person of GREAT strength.  It’s hard to be humble.  We live in a society that constantly seeks self-glorification and attention.  Pride runs rampant in most people’s lives, but it can lead to so much hurt to yourself and to others.  

You are nothing.  You deserve nothing and you are owed nothing.  (Kristin what’s with all the positivity?  Sheesh 😉) My point is that telling yourself that you are nothing and you deserve nothing is a great start.  But the next step is to look to what you HAVE.  The answer is NOT nothing!  I don’t care who you are.  If you are alive, you have something to be grateful for.  So, the realization that the world owes you nothing can lead to amazing things – gratefulness, joy, and awareness of others and how you treat them and make them feel.  When you are with a humble, happy, kind person, I promise you your relationship will be built on fertile ground. 

Wow, this one is big!  It sounds like fluff and fun, a great addition to a relationship but definitely not one of the “core/foundational” elements of a relationship, but boy is it ever! 

Now here’s the danger to humor.  Sometimes in a relationship, you have a ton of fun, you laugh a lot, and you feel great euphoria, so much so that you don’t realize that the other important qualities on this list are missing.  I would argue humor is not the MOST important element, but it’s important nonetheless.  Because here’s the thing…  You can have bad relationships with humor, but you really can’t have great relationships without it.  It’s not a sign that your relationship is great, but if your relationship is great (for other reasons) then this element really shouldn’t be missing. 

Life is going to hand you a lot.  NO ONE lives a life without trials, heartache, challenges, etc.  I don’t care what their social media shows about them living their best life, maybe they are, but they’ve still got problems.  Being able to laugh with your partner – to not sweat the small stuff, to enjoy the little things – it gives you strength to weather a lot of storms.  If you are with a person who doesn’t share in your sense of humor, your joy, and your light-hearted moments, it’s going to be difficult to share in the inevitable trials with them. 

In the beginning of our relationship my husband and I agreed to something.  We don’t care about how much money the other makes, or even at times if they do not make money at all (stay at home parent, between jobs, or whatever).  BUT one thing has to be present.  We both always have to be hard working.  Through our marriage we have both changed careers, pursued passions, taken time off, and we have both at times been the breadwinner of the family.  But we have never resented each other for bringing less to the table at any given time because we have always seen how hard the other has worked.  Whether working on our house, furthering our education and pursing passions, helping others, it doesn’t matter because we work! 

I believe God created us to work.  We are fulfilled when we work.  It gives purpose and peace to your life.  It doesn’t matter what that work involves or what the correlating pay may be, WORK HARD!  And in a relationship work towards common goals.  It will unify you and join your hearts to work together and build a life together. 

This does not mean that you are the same and with a similar personality.  In a lot of respects, my husband and I are a case of opposites attracting.  He’s a dog person, I am a cat person.  He’s much more introverted, I am much more social.  The list of differences goes on and on, BUT we are like-minded. 

We are like-minded about all of the things that truly matter.  Now, what these things are will be very different for every person.  Again, when you have a self-aware person, the awesome side effect is that these are usually the people that know what they want out of life.  And when you know what you want out of life and what the most important things are for you, then you will seek a like-minded person pursuing the same passions and goals. 

Money is a great example.  Some people are spenders, some are savers.  I’m a bit of both.  There isn’t always a right or wrong way to be (if your responsibilities are handled), but not being like-minded with your partner will lead to a lot of fighting, resentment, and sorrow. Politics, religion, health and lifestyle are all other things that may be on your list of the “things that matter most” to you.  Again it doesn’t matter what your passions are, if something is a huge passion point for you, and you are trying to date someone who fundamentally disagrees with one of your passion points, it will not be something you can or even should try to overcome.  Be true to yourself and let others do the same.  Save some heartache for all and seek to find people who share in your passions and the deepest parts of your heart. 

Like mindedness leads right into mutual respect.  It is really hard to respect a person you fundamentally disagree with on all important things (even if you laugh a lot or are attracted to them).  I have been in love before, and when I truly broke it down, I came to the realization that I did not respect the person I loved.  The two are not mutually exclusive.  If you don’t feel respected or if your partner does not feel respected (and if in fact they are not), then no amount of love is going to overcome that.  

The other attributes on this list will all add to your mutual respect as well.  When someone is strong and self-aware, they go after what they want in life.  And if they think like you, they will want the same things out of life.  When they work hard and stay humble and selfless, you are going to respect them. 

So, if respect is lacking, it’s a great thing to really think about because it can be the catch-all determination to see if the other important traits you need in a partner are present.