The Number One Trait You Should Look for in a Spouse
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As parents, we have many dreams for our children’s futures. We want them to be successful, loved, and fulfilled. But above all else, we want them to be truly happy.
Most also desire that their children will one day have families of their own, which would of course start with choosing the right partner. Though all fathers of daughters don’t want to even think of it, this will also mean one day meeting potential suitors. And of course the hope is to one day be confident in bestowing your blessing when they find THE ONE they want to marry.
In imagining the men and women who will one day marry into my family through my children, there are of course many wonderful traits I hope they will have, many things that I would deem to be important in a good and loving spouse.
But what if I could only choose one – one trait above all others that is the MOST important in someone I would desire my child to marry?
My sister’s boss had posed this question in the past, and as she shared the story with me, his answer surprised me. In pondering the question myself, I considered kindness, selflessness, humility, and many others. And though these are wonderful traits, they were not his answer.
He instead chose self-awareness.
Initially I considered this answer to be a somewhat odd choice. It was definitely not the first thing that would ever come to mind for me. However, the more I have pondered it, the more I have realized just how much I love his answer. In fact, I would even say now that I agree.
A simple Google search tells us that self-awareness is “conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.” This means truly knowing yourself and also having a strong understanding of how you come across to others and how you make them feel.
Why is self-awareness SO important?
To answer this question, begin by considering the people you have known in your life who lack such awareness. These are the people who could hurt your feelings, act like a total jerk, say ignorant or hurtful things – all while having NO IDEA that they were hurting people, NO IDEA that people didn’t want to be around them.
We all at times say or do stupid and hurtful things to other people. The difference is that a person who is self-aware will more easily see how their actions have impacted others, and they will therefore be more likely to change and grow from such experiences.
To piggyback off of the importance of self-awareness, I would say that accountability is also closely tied into this. Accountability has always been a hot-button issue for me, especially as a parent. It will forever be something I myself strive for and something I try to drill into my children.
It drives me crazy when my son gets in trouble at school and the very first response he has is to pin blame on someone else. He will say that they started it, were talking to him, distracting him… the list could go on and on. I am always telling him to take responsibility for HIS part in any given situation, rather than try to pass blame to someone else. I want him to be aware of HIS actions, HIS choices, and HIS consequences.
So really, the fact that I have always been so passionate about accountability lends itself right into why self-awareness also really matters to me. Someone who is self-aware is also more likely to be accountable for their mistakes and shortcomings.
It may sound cliché, and I believe I may be quoting Dr. Phil here, but I’ve always heard the saying that, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
If someone lacks self-awareness and the ability to even see that they have done something wrong in the first place, then of course they will not be accountable, and so they will be unlikely to ever change or grow.
I feel as though so many of the other traits that you would want to see in a partner for your child stem from first being self-aware.
Someone who sees the way their words or actions have hurt someone is less likely to say or do those things again, and they will naturally be very empathetic people as a result of their awareness. Kindness, selflessness, humility, and so many other traits will also naturally stem from first having self-awareness.
If my children were fortunate enough to marry people with strong self-awareness, then I could trust that other things in life would fall into place. They would be able to see when they do something hurtful, they would be able to see and understand the perspective of the other person, and they would be capable of making changes in their lives when necessary.
We should be careful not to be too hard on people when they make mistakes if they recognize the mistake and have the self-awareness to hold themselves accountable. When my children make mistakes, I am quick to forgive and forgo punishment when I feel as though they understand WHY what they did was wrong and I can tell they have grown from the situation.
It is in the times that my children make mistakes where they have no idea that they have even done anything, or they don’t seem to care that they have messed up, that I really bring the hammer down, because I want to help mold their self-awareness.
There are certainly many, many important traits one would need to consider in choosing whom to marry, so I do not mean for this to sound reductive in implying that there is only one. I am simply saying that self-awareness is the most important one if only one could be chosen. Click here to read about the 7 key things your relationship needs to get a more complete picture of traits you should be looking for.
~ Jennifer ~
